News Roundup

Roll up, roll up for your fix of the latest Chelsea news stories for today. The big news of the day comes to us from the mythical land of Narnia, for it is only in such a fantastical place that this rumour could have originated. Stop me when you see pigs flying outside your window.

But we’ll start with a rather exciting development in Chelsea’s search for new talent. You may have heard of one Anthony Martial, currently plying his trade under Darth Mourinho at Manchester United. The French international has been starved of first team opportunities ever since Jose decided he’d rather pay a lot more for marginally better output.

Consequently, in came Alexis Sanchez and out went Martial’s chances of making it at Old Trafford. At just 22 years of age, Martial is the right age to become the next victim of Mourinho’s impatience.

And that’s when Chelsea come in. With the future of Eden Hazard dependent on Real Madrid finally making a move for him, Chelsea are in the market for reinforcements. Martial fits perfectly into Chelsea’s profile of a young, promising player ready to slot into the first team immediately.

A rumoured asking price of £44 million could turn out to be a steal if Martial, as expected, turns out to be the next Salah. Or De Bruyne. Or Lukaku. You get the drift.

But this being Mourinho, there is bound to be more than meets the eye. Mourinho has made no secret of his admiration for Chelsea’s Willian, and if the Martial deal is to go through he might ask for swapsies with Willian. No joke.

If you thought that swap deal is the stuff of fairy tales and hobbits, have a look at this one. In what will probably be the first of this kind anywhere in the universe, there are reports that Chelsea and Napoli could look to swap their managers.

Yes, managers.

So Antonio Conte will return to Italy and Maurizio Sarri will move to England to take over Chelsea. And Sarri will bring with him Kalidou Koulibaly tucked under one arm and Elseid Hysaj under the other. Never mind the fact that Chelsea might not qualify for next season’s Champions League and thus, could not be as attractive a proposition for players like Koulibaly. Oh, and have we already forgotten the pain in the arse that we suffered dealing with the Napoli chairman, Aurelio De Laurentiis, the last time? Come on. “Napoli and Chelsea swapped managers and then they lived happily ever after” is something even J.K. Rowling would struggle to write, and she’s written more fairy tales than you could shake a stick at.

In yet more exciting news, Kylian Mbappe wants to play with N’golo Kante. Yay! He wants to play with him at PSG. Boo! Everyone loves Kante, apparently. And why wouldn’t they? He is always smiling, he drives a Mini and he brings his twin along when he takes to the field. PSG would love to have someone like him patrolling their midfield, despite their obvious disdain for sensible transfers. But Chelsea don’t need to sell and Kante doesn’t want to leave, so let’s not waste anyone’s time here.

Kylian, if you want to play with N’Golo you can do yourself a favour and move to Chelsea. And since everyone’s talking about swap deals, I would happily swap Hazard for Mbappe. Kylian Hazard, that is. That would maintain the “Kylian” balance on both teams and PSG would get another marquee name to add to their collection.

Win-win.