News Roundup

Ah, there you are. Right on time for our midweek Chelsea news roundup. It has been a slow news day so far, but we’ll try our best to bring you the stories, gossip and made-up transfer rumours that matter.

We start with a rumour that stubbornly refuses to die and keeps being recycled by various news outlets. You may remember (or not, I couldn’t really tell) this time last week, in this very column, we treated you to an idea that involves swapping Martial from Manchester United with Willian. Well, apparently this is still a thing. It looks like Mourinho has plopped Martial in a wheelbarrow and is hawking him around Europe, singing this verse in crowded city centres:

“Take this boy who doth give me heartburn,
What canst thou offer to me in return?”

This has pricked the ears of Chelsea, who promptly put Willian plus a wad of cash in their wheelbarrow and raced towards the source of the godawful noise, hoping to make an exchange. If you look from a purely objective standpoint, it does make sense. Willian is 29 years old and only has a few more years at the top; Martial is yet to reach his peak. Will it happen, though? I would put a tenner on it, if it was someone else’s tenner.

And here’s another blast from the past – Richarlison, who flickered briefly for Watford before Marco Silva left and took his mojo with him, has been talking about moving up the ladder. Chelsea were reported to be interested in him before he turned to sh*t. Richarlison, though, admits he has had no contact from the big clubs, which is not surprising at all.

So he sits locked up in his tower, with Riyad Mahrez as his neighbour, fluttering his eyelashes at anyone who would pay for his freedom. I think Chelsea should look away and not get swayed into buying yet another talented but inconsistent youngster. We’ve already got plenty of those on our books.

Another one who is on the books at Chelsea is one Wulfert Cornelius “Marco” van Ginkel. Remember him? He is 25 years old now and spent last season captaining PSV to the title in the Netherlands. PSV want to keep him but they cannot hope to come up with the kind of cash Chelsea would demand for one of the finest soldiers of their loan army.

That’s when Chucky comes in. No, not the bloodthirsty, killer doll, but Hirving “Chucky” Lozano. The young Mexican is blazingly fast and can also play a bit, scoring 19 goals in his debut season in Europe. If PSV want MVG, then HCL could be a part of any deal. That makes sense for all parties, so it might not actually happen in the real world, or IRL.

Speaking of “real world”, Juventus have been fantasising about bringing Alvaro Morata back ever since he left them for Real Madrid. The Spanish striker then moved to Chelsea where he has not had the best of seasons, but certainly not the worst either. But that is enough for the press to put 2 and 2 together and come up with a WTF rumour that Morata has agreed personal terms with Juventus. Yeah, right. I personally agree this is a crock of sh*t. And that is giving it way more respect than it deserves.

And finally, Juventus might be looking at letting Sami Khedira go once Emre Can comes in. Khedira has a solitary year left on his contract, attracting Liverpool and Chelsea to him like ants to a picnic. Khedira says he wants to win the title in another league, so Liverpool are out. That leaves Chelsea as a viable option, but would they be willing to pay the 31-year old’s wages and the transfer fee, a number that Juve would certainly pull out of their backside? I don’t think so.

Oh, and if you’re wondering why there’s nothing about Chelsea’s hunt for a new manager, it’s because no one has a sodding clue.

That is all.